Jinmod's Card Factory

I know, I know. I really shouldn’t be here, and between this and that post on The Fan Augur, I could be toeing a slippery slope. Still, in light of the impending April 13th, I wanted to share some Hussie cards. The title’s a bit of a misnomer, since Homestuck isn’t even the focus. The focus is weapon/object duality. Why? Because Chalice of Life shouldn’t be the only transforming card that doesn’t ever become a creature.

Just so you know, instead of my usual arcane sorting method, I’ll be presenting the cards in (mostly) chronological order.

Office Key 1
Artifact
2, T: Untap target artifact. If Office Key untaps this way, transform it, then attach it to a creature you control.
You are quite positive there has never been a gun in your office, and never will be. Frankly, the notion strikes you as reckless and foolhardy. 
Sleuth’s Pistol
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +1/+0 and has “Whenever this creature attacks, you may have it deal 1 damage to target creature defending player controls.”
At the beginning of each end step, if Sleuth’s Pistol is unattached, transform it.
Equip 2

Ring of Keys 3
Artifact
X, T: Untap X target artifacts. If Ring of Keys is untapped this way, transform it and attach it to a creature you control.
For every lock, a key. For every metaphor, an imagination too shitty to complete it.
Hard-Boiled Semiautomatic
Artifact — Equipment
X: Equipped creature gets +X/+0 until end of turn.
At the beginning of each end step, if Hard-Boiled Semiautomatic is unattached, transform it.
Equip 2

Innocuous Bobby Pin 2
Artifact
1, T: Choose another target artifact, then flip a coin. If the coin comes up heads, untap that artifact. If the coin comes up tails, untap and transform Innocuous Bobby Pin, then attach to a creature you control with power 4 or greater.
Massive Minigun
Artifact — Equipment
Massive Minigun can be attached only to a creature with power 4 or greater.
Equipped creature gets +4/+0 and has trample.
At the beginning of each end step, if Dissociative Minigun is unattached, transform it.
Equip 2 

Comforting Teddy Bear 2
Artifact
T: The next time you discard a card this turn, return that card to your hand. If you do, untap and transform Comforting Teddy Bear, then attach it to a creature you control.
You are quite positive there has never been a teddy bear in your apartment, and never will be. Frankly, the notion strikes you as silly and childish.
Dame’s Dagger
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +1/+0 and has double strike.
At the beginning of each end step, if Dame’s Dagger is unattached, transform it.
Equip 3

Ordinary Paint Roller 2
Artifact
X, T: Choose a color. X target permanents become that color until end of turn. Then, if that color is the most common color among permanents or tied for most common, untap and transform Ordinary Paint Roller and attach it to a creature you control.
“Some clients find it more alluring to watch the girls cover up rather than strip. I’m hardly one to judge.”
—Madame Murel
Voltaic Incapacitator
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +1/+0 and has first strike.
Whenever equipped creature deals damage to a creature, tap that creature.
Prevent all damage that would be dealt to equipped creature by tapped creatures.
At the beginning of each end step, if Voltaic Incapacitator is unattached, transform it.
Equip 4

Mural Melter 3
Artifact
2, T: Return target enchantment to its owner’s hand unless its controller pays 1. If an enchantment leaves the battlefield this way, untap and transform Mural Melter, then attach it to a creature you control.
Hysterical Flame
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature has intimidate and “(2r): This creature gets +1/+0 until end of turn.”
At the beginning of each end step, if Hysterical Flame is unattached, transform it.
Equip 2 

Navigator’s Sextant 1
Artifact — Equipment
Whenever equipped creature attacks, look at the top card of your library. You may reveal that card. If a land card is revealed this way, untap equipped creature and transform Navigator’s Sextant.
Equip 1
Seafarer’s Sniper Rifle
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature has vigilance and “3, T: This creature deals 3 damage to target attacking or blocking creature.”
At the beginning of the end step, if Seafarer’s Sniper Rifle is unattached, transform it.
Equip 3 

Megaton Key 4
Artifact
4, T: Untap all other artifacts. If four or more permanents untapped this way, untap and transform Megaton Key, then attach it to a creature you control.
Only the strongest of men can lift it. Only the wisest can say what lies beyond its door.
Megaton Knuckles
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +1/+0 for each artifact on the battlefield and has trample.
At the beginning of the end step, if Megaton Knuckles is unattached, transform it.
Equip 4 

Full-Bodied Wig 2
Artifact
3, T: Regenerate target creature you control. When a creature regenerates this way, untap and transform Full-Bodied Wig and attach it to that creature.
Enough bounce and body to stop a bullet.
Kaiser Helmet
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +1/+2.
Whenever equipped creature blocks or becomes blocked, it gets +1/+2 until end of turn.
At the beginning of each end step, if Kaiser Helmet is unattached, transform it.
Equip 3 

Alluring Lipstick 2
Artifact
3, T: Target creature you control must be blocked if able this turn. When that creature becomes blocked, untap and transform Alluring Lipstick, then attach it to that creature.
There is nothing unusual about the cosmetic accessory at all, and there is no reason whatsoever for your Hysteria Gauge to elevate.
Dissociative Chainsaw
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +2/+2 and has trample.
At the beginning of each end step, if Dissociative Chainsaw is unattached, transform it.
Equip 3 

Skeleton Key 2
Artifact
1, T: Untap target artifact. If this is the second time this ability has resolved this turn, untap and transform Skeleton Key, then attach it to a creature you control.
Skeleton Brush
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +1/+1 for each of its colors.
At the beginning of the end step, if Skeleton Brush is unattached, transform it.
Equip 2
Madame Murel knew that, as with any other accessory, the best weapon was one that went with everything.

Hunk Rump of the Damned 4
Artifact
3, T: Target player discards a card. If you discard a card this way, transform Hunk Rump of the Damned and attach it to a creature you control.
Its touch guarantees tears, either of torment or of gratitude.
Fork of Damned Souls
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +3/+0.
If a creature dealt damage by equipped creature this turn would die, exile it instead.
At the beginning of each end step, if Fork of Damned Souls is unattached, transform it.
Equip 3 

Tectrix of the Arbiter 4
Legendary Artifact
3, T: Each player may draw a card. If two or more cards were drawn this way, untap and transform Tectrix of the Arbiter, then attach it to a creature you control.
The Diplomat has come. The Kingdoms are united. The Mountain is about to erupt.
…wait, what was that last one?
Tectrixcalibur
Legendary Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +1/+1 for each card in your hand and has first strike and trample.
3, Discard a card: Attach Tectrixcalibur to a creature you control. Activate this ability only if Tectrixcalibur is unattached.
At the beginning of each end step, if Tectrixcaliur is unattached, transform it.
Equip 3

Ribbon of the Demimonde 2
Artifact
4, T, Sacrifice Ribbon of the Demimonde: Transform target artifact you control. If that permanent transforms into an Equipment, you may attach it to a creature you control.
By semidivine grace are plowshares beaten into swords.

Two-Toned Lipstick 2
Artifact
T: Target creature becomes your choice of black or green in addition to its other colors until end of turn. Then, if that creature is both black and green, untap and transform Two-Toned Lipstick, then attach it to that creature.
Fashion has few adherents on Alternia, but that only makes them all the more dedicated.
Ragripper’s Chainsaw
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +2/+2 and has protection from Rogues and from Wizards.
Whenever equipped creature deals combat damage to a player, that player sacrifices an artifact or creature unless he or she pays 2 life.
At the beginning of each end step, if Ragripper’s Chainsaw is unattached, transform it.
Equip 2

Cane of the Time Pimp 3
Legendary Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +2/+1.
Bitches have equipped creature’s money if able.
3: Transform Cane of the Time Pimp. Activate this ability only if Cane of the Time Pimp is attached to a legendary Demon.
Equip 2
English’s Author Eradicator
Legendary Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +4/+2.
Damage that would be dealt by equipped creature can’t be prevented.
If equipped creature would deal damage to a player or planeswalker, it deals double that damage to that player or planeswalker instead.
When English’s Author Eradicator becomes unattached from a creature, transform it.